’79 was not the Summer of Love for queers in Seattle, though it was the summer I spent tripping most of the time. I’m not sure if it was this or my physical stature that made many of my friends feel protective of me. I only know they needn’t have bothered. I’ve been uncannily fortunate. Even though ‘hate crime’ hadn’t included LGBTQs as potential targets yet, I stumbled near to that territory just once. Being under the influence & gay makes one exponentially more vulnerable. I urge my community in these coming few years: Don’t try this at home! I’ve got a comic devil watching over me. Or so it seems.

It was the 4th of July. Not my favorite holiday, filled with disturbing noises & drunks. I was with 2 people whose company I would come to regret. One, a kinda girlfriend 12 yrs older I’d met in a club mere months ago. From here originally, she’d been living in L.A. working as a show hairstylist for Vidal Sassoon. Purportedly staying with her parents while undergoing treatment for some vaguely named medical condition. I’d begun to suspect that the condition was substance-abuse related. She was more of a mess than I was, a rather mature observation for my 18 yrs. Hence being on-the-fence about ‘girlfriend.’

As fate would have it someone else tagged along with us. Now we were saddled with a guy on the periphery of my acquaintance whom I could barely stand. He glommed onto people, was simpering & catty combined, & got wasted on other’s tabs. Fairly lean, yet he towered over my 5’5″ twig frame. He snagged us walking downtown off Capitol Hill due to our mutual destination: Tugs, a gay bar that wouldn’t card me.

Entranced by the lights of the city at night, enjoying my trip by ignoring the prattle of the human remora that had attached to us. In the distance fireworks burst in the sky & I was pleasantly unperturbed by the sounds. Other revelers were content to let us pass. As we got to the edge of Belltown, things took a turn.

The night was young for me, just after 10pm. In my own private bubble of psychedelia, letting my mind wander awed by the visuals, when a rude interruption reared its stupid redneck head. Two jerks in a shiny new truck screeched to a halt as we crossed the street, yelled “Check out the faggots,” then proceeded to light firecrackers & throw them at us.

I assess: about my age, dealer’s paper permit taped to the window… Daddy’s spanking fresh pickup?

“Very funny” I lob back while moving on. This is when my opinion of the leech clinging to us sunk even lower. He cowered & screamed. Which made the homophobic feebs jeer & egged them on. “Calm down,” I tell him “You’re making it worse.” But he kept shrieking & the cretins kept lighting & tossing. I yanked him along, we cut through an empty parking lot adjacent to a recently razed brick building. The truck-dicks followed, even more jazzed to chase us down in the safety of their overcompensating vehicle.

My sorta girlfriend was also not helping. She was cussing them out, shouting insults, flipping the bird. Way to escalate a situation! I was with a couple of dopes, & I was the high one. They’d been drinking, a more relaxed intoxicant than LSD. FFS! I was gonna have to step up, the youngest & smallest of our trio.

Between his blubbering & her slinging invectives, I looked around for a solution. Something pinged ‘Yes!’ in the corner of the lot. I grabbed an arm each of my useless cohorts & pulled them towards it. The truck lurched after us, thrilled we were trapping ourselves.

Having been accosted repeatedly in the past, I’d uncovered a latent talent: I can nail ‘unhinged.’ At a glance I’m a skeleton with weird hair & shades at night, gender indeterminate. Add just a subtle gesture & voila! Unpredictable. Verbal taunts can be sloughed off. Not so physical assault. By endangering me (& ‘mine,’ reluctantly) they forfeited their own well-being. These clowns were playing in my surreal court now. Idiots are not going to rule on this night. It’s independence day.

I interject here that I’ve never been in a fistfight. Only ever been hit in 2nd grade when a boy ran up to me hopscotching by myself as the end-of-recess bell rang & gut-punched me for no reason. Barring violence out of nowhere, when not physically imposing one relies on a mix of strategy & serendipity. Also I could run as if spring-loaded. Here– I couldn’t just ditch my dead weight no matter how noncommittal I felt about them.

I shove my companions behind me as the truck pulls in to block our exit. This is what I’d led us to: a large pile of discarded bricks & chunks of cement. I grab 2 bricks off the pile, turn & face the front of the truck. As one guy tries to light another explosive I raise the bricks over my head & say “The next one you toss these come through your windshield.” I cock the bricks back ready to launch.

Sidebar: I am a pacifist at heart. I view violence as a closed, self-perpetuating system lacking imagination. Yet it’s exceedingly seductive when pushed past one’s limit, & I am a human animal. Here was the perfect opportunity to see what kind of beast I can be. Maybe it was the LSD talking, but I was intrigued to unleash destruction, curious at the prospect of shattering glass & inflicting injury. Not everyone gets to test their dark side. Me? In the glare of headlights the corners of my mouth quirk up to an unsettling grin.

An “Oh shit!” erupts from the cab, & to the sweet music of squealing tires they sped away as if I was flying on the wind right behind them. It’s so satisfying to watch bullies shrink & flee, with only slight disappointment I didn’t get to smash & maim. Savoring my victory is cut short by the mewling embrace of the male-in-distress. Being hugged by someone I have more than a dollop of apathy for is repellent. “You saved me!” he cries. I cringe loose & we continue to the bar.

“Would you really have done it?” girlfriend-ish asks. I’d like to say it was only bluff, but I’m not so sure. I was ready to defend the right to be myself unmolested, by any means necessary. Clearly I’m full of contradictions. Aren’t we all? So I go with: “No point in making idle threats. It was a teachable moment. They brought firecrackers to a brick fight. Rubes!”

To any sadists crawling about: Beware who you pick on. Danger lurks in small, queer packages. Thus endeth the lesson.