The squatter & I were in a standoff. She had made herself at home in the corner, 1 foot from the pillows at the head of my bed. I was fairly certain she was the one who had run across my face at 4 a.m. a few nights ago. Coffee is not nearly as jolting, much as I love it.

Slightly bigger than a half-dollar coin, she exceeded my size tolerance for interlopers so close to where I sleep. Then there’s the name: Giant House Spider (AKA Eratigena atrica or Tegenaria gigantea). These arachnids evolved to live with us. They can’t handle the outside– much like many people can’t.

I retrieved my special glass & piece of stiff paper that I use to catch bees, hornets, flies, stink bugs, etc. to release them back into the wild. As soon as I neared she zipped behind the rug leaned against the wall for added insulation. As if she were clairvoyant. So I named her Monstradamus. I call her Damy for short.

For the next 2 nights sleep was shallow & leery. These spiders are harmless, but they’re so damn big & crazy fast. I don’t mind if they stay in their lane; crawling on me, even just once, & we’ve got a failure to communicate. Not to mention the FACE! Really, Damy?

There are house mice as well. I’ve met quite a few in the old buildings I’ve lived/worked in. Raised 5 baby mice whose mother was killed in a certain theater I worked at. In a glue trap. Not mine– I’m not a torturous fuck. I scooped them up, brought them home, & fed them (an appropriate milk mixture rescue folk told me about) with an eye dropper. When they were old enough to eat solids, they went to the rescue; they had a shed on the property for the mice to reside in. I didn’t get to see their release, but I couldn’t keep them. Past experience taught me that ‘no 2 mice are the same gender.’ It’s like a law of Nature, or something. They make wonderful wee friends, but have a short lifespan. Hence the uber prolific. Pretty soon you’re inundated with mice.

I live comfortably with the dime-sized spiders. They’re excellent at taking care of the sugar ants & gnats that’re impossible for me to catch & release. As well as the stray yellowjacket, which regrettably nest in my ceiling. I didn’t want to be hosting yellowjackets, but you can’t always choose your roommates. Their chewing & buzzing has become the ambient noise in my abode. At first I thought it was just mason bees, who often find holes to enter & occupy my house. They’re slower & more friendly. Then I found out that it was yellowjackets when a couple escaped the confines of the ceiling, buzzed around in their pissed off way, & met their demise in Ms. Scarlet’s web. She has 4 egg sacks already! & the same number of dead mates below her web. Do all female spiders kill the males after mating? She discards them like stinkbugs. I was surprised to find out spiders don’t like those.

Damy hasn’t shown her face since my attempt to catch her. I assume she’s keeping close to her web, a haphazard mesh like that fake Halloween fluff that some people drape outside & can trap hummingbirds. It seems to get just thrown around; I hope I don’t wake up one morning encased within. We have an uneasy truce. I sleep on the far side of the bed, facing away. But that’s where I’ve always slept; it’s closest to my reading lamp. The gloves may come off if she wanders across my cheek again.

There should be a maxim: Giant house spiders live in giant houses. My tiny house is barely large enough for me. At 10’ x 12’, with a sleeping loft, it’s around 230 sq ft total. I’ve had living rooms larger than that. Once I had a kitchen larger than that. Actual room for a table & chairs! Yet it still had too little counterspace. Builders’ code: Don’t give ‘em enough counter to prepare food; there lies anarchy.

At least I don’t have a bathtub or shower. That’s where I used to find these giants in every place I’ve ever lived. They’re easier to catch that way, yet then I would put them outside…where they don’t thrive. Now that I know their living requirements, I feel obligated to let Damy stay or find a suitable replacement. That would be the goat barn, because the henhouse would mean certain death. Chickens eat them.

I shared a home with a rat once. It was a basement apartment & it had found a way in. Had to put my fruit in a basket hung from the ceiling lest it be gnawed. I tried a humane trap, but it was too clever. Sydney (one of those small breeds sailors kept to clear ships of rats) would chase it on occasion. Then the novelty wore off & she just ignored it.

I had someone hitch a ride on me one day recently. For some reason this year we’ve had a bumper crop of foxglove. Problem is, they’re toxic to just about everyone (the animals here). So I decided to pull them up. They couldn’t go in the compost heap because they’d spread to the garden, where it’s worked into the soil. There were too many to fit in the trash & my rural area doesn’t collect yard waste. They had to be chucked in our woods, technically still on the property, beyond our 6 ft fence. I was too lazy to unlock & go through the gate, so I swung their roots overhead to clear the fence. Dirt rained down on my sweaty yardwork body (duh), coating me in mud.

I went inside to sponge off. My hair stuck to the back of my neck & was itchy. I kept pushing it away, but it was persistent. Finally I grabbed a hand mirror to see what was tickling my neck. I saw a 2 in. long, rectangular bug crawling on it. I pushed it onto the hand mirror, then took it outside to show my sister. We admired it– impressively patterned in a deep mulberry & black– then I put it in the grass. Sadly, Rory the duck rushed up & gobbled it down. I looked it up: one of several species known simply as ground beetles. Beneficial to gardens, as they consume insects that eat plants.

To recap: Subject is pale, avoids direct sunlight, is often awake at night, lives with spiders, rats, & mice. On the surface it seems to all point somewhere specific. Definitely lacking in the bloodlust though. I’m not saying there aren’t some people I fantasize about ending, but not enough to plan. Alas, I lack fangs, am not impervious to bullets, & have no preternatural abilities. Otherwise there’d be a few hundred exsanguinated individuals lying about.