[Tale of the All Weather Infrared Camera]

The idea was to provide a deterrent. Didn’t have to be believable upon closer scrutiny. But it had to be waterproof to be outside. It would be accompanied by a sign to alert of its presence. I swore I read the fine print, but I ordered it online. Y’know how that goes. It was cheaper than the shipping price, so I ordered 2 other things that I needed to justify the postage. Thankfully. That way I received some useful things.

About 2 Christmases ago my BIL ordered what he thought was a small microwave to go in my tiny house. When the package came we all snickered. It was cute, I’ll give it that. The dimensions were 6”x6”x8”. It had a dial that ticked as it timed the food, a nightlight that lit up inside, & a ding when the plastic croissant was ‘done.’ Ran on a AA battery. I gave it to my great-great niece (is that who a great niece’s daughter is?) who was 4 at the time. At least it went to a good home.

Adding insult to injury, my supposed deterrent purchase came with ‘Assembly Required.’ It was like I’d ordered it from the back page of an old comic book: ‘Ride in your own personal submarine!’ ‘X-ray glasses!’ ‘Sea monkeys!’ My sister & I cracked up when I showed her our new dummy surveillance camera:

Now I’m back in the land of paper dolls. The sign to go with it should say “Smile– You’re On Cardstock Camera!”

This little lesson in paying attention started with a mailbox. A few years back we got approval from USPS to move our mailbox to the end of our driveway. It used to be one in a row of mailboxes across the sometimes-perilous street (where drivers often exceed the speed limit), & down the road about half a block. I’m not averse to walking, but it was so far away that in times of inclement weather it hardly seemed worth it. Plus that box was too small for even tiny packages. We’d have to go to the post office to pick them up. So my BIL bought a wood post & attached the mailbox at our driveway, where we enjoyed our closer mail for awhile.

Not even a year in, someone knocked it off the post clean into the ditch. That ditch is hard to get into & out of– the sides are steep gravel & it’s 4 ft deep. I slid in, grabbed the box, then was stuck. I only very awkwardly made it back out after a few attempts in different places & angling my ascent. It would’ve made a good video, if anyone were around to film it.

BIL reattached the box to the post with some metal bands around the crosspiece the box rests on. It was a little banged up, but I used some pliers & bent it back into working order. It stayed that way for almost a year, then was brutally attacked. This time, because it was shored up to stay on the post, it was smashed beyond recognition. The door wrenched off. It looked sledgehammered, folded in on itself to where the space inside was about 3”. Then possibly an axe split the post down the middle. It was gruesome.

Mischief is one thing. When I found the box in the ditch before, I laughed. Seemed like a prank of a bygone era. Inconvenient, but I attributed it to students from the middle school down the street. This latest was rage-induced violence. Since I’m the one who retrieves the mail, thoughts turn paranoid. Sure, that’s not a big step for me. Yet this might just be warranted paranoia.

This current vandalism took muscle & tools. No simple baseball bat could’ve done it. Intimidation? We’re one of 2 houses on the driveway (it used to be a single property), & both our houses have POC living in them. So who’s the target? The freak who takes the mail out of the box every day, or is there some racist shit going on?

Frankly, the driveway is so long & there are woods between the street & the houses, it seems to me a weak threat– hiding by lieu of distance is someone who lacks the nerve to be truly menacing. So I thought of upping the stakes, making it at least appear they were being watched.

I wasn’t going to spring for a real camera. We’re surveilled enough as it is. & I’d just bought a new mailbox. No matter how curious I was to see this jerk, I wouldn’t recognize them anyway. Aside from our closest neighbors, I don’t know anyone else in this town. The perp could live 2 doors down (which is 3 blocks away) & I’d be all ‘Who the hell is that?’ This isn’t a walkable area, not much shoulder, & I’m a hermit besides. I just wanted to give them pause.

Obviously my paper doll camera won’t work. I started cutting out the pieces to put it together as a lark, but it got tedious fast. While my sister was chasing down used/dummy CCTV cameras, I was on the phone with Kim. I told her my idea.

“But they’ll just smash the camera too,” she said.

“Not if it’s 12 feet up in a tree,” I replied. I had already thought of that.

She countered “How will you even get it up there?”

“We have ladders.” I didn’t mention that I don’t really like to get that high up on ladders, but she didn’t need to know that.

It will be a slog dragging a ladder down our interminably long driveway, but I have the urge not to have to buy another mailbox anytime soon. & I have the determination to climb up on that ladder just to thwart an asshole.

There’s another thing: the mailbox vandal is right-handed. Both times the box was struck on the right side. The metal fence posts my sister uses all over the property are super sturdy, with a spike on the end to facilitate driving them into hard ground. Placed to the right of the mailbox, no one could strike it from that side. They’d have to work way harder & longer to demolish it. Makes it so worth splurging for a real camera to witness that level of frustration.